How Did You Feel the 20th of April, 1999?

It's been 20+ years now since the school massacre known as 'Columbine'. It is very difficult, even now, to revisit a lot of what happened that day, although I still get asked that question more times than I care to remember.

The emotions surrounding the events of that day can be, and sometimes still are, visceral, palpable, raw. They'll likely remain that way for as long as I live.

I reference 'events' of the day in the plural form because the massacre was not a single event. April 20, 1999 did not begin, nor did it end, with the onset and cessation of this violent conflagration. Not even close!

Even after the last explosive devices were detonated and the last shots were fired, the 'events' of the day continued and multiplied for everyone involved in this incident...families of those who were murdered, families of those who were injured, families of those who were there that day and survived with no outward physical injuries, the Columbine Community, and beyond.

For so very many, the journey through those events, the labyrinth that was to become a maze of twists and turns, some good and some not so good, had just begun.

So, the emotions associated with those events are also referenced in the plural.

Things like:

• Ups, downs and everything imaginable in between
• Facing up to seemingly insurmountable obstacles
• Bucking up and surmounting at least some of those insurmountable obstacles
• Wanting to beat our heads against a wall because of the almost constant high anxiety
• Breathing sighs of relief in the few moments where the anxiety levels were almost bearable
• Facing fears for the future of our children, our families, our community
• Dealing with the disgust being felt toward the shooters and their families (it wouldn't be until later that I, personally, came to a personal acceptance that their families were not to blame for what the shooters had done)
• Welcoming anything....anything at all that gave rise to feelings of hope for the future
• Anticipating (with anxiety) all the bad news that brought dejection...dejection bordering on abject hopelessness
• Welcoming the kindness, compassion, and love shown by family, friends, community, and beyond
• Getting frustrated and sometimes angry with some of the self-centeredness exhibited by some folks
• And more....much, much more

Each and every one of those emotions are presented here in very broad, general terms. That's the way they'll stay for now. For me, personally, I must also add dealing with my first wife's mental illness....her fear, her loathing, and her delusional paranoia with psychotic episodes simmering just below the surface, all of which she was feeling and trying so very hard to keep in check

I know how all the emotions in the above list affected me. I do not pretend to speak for others on how those emotions, when bundled together, affected them.

In fact, for those whose family members were murdered that day, emotions were, I'm pretty sure, far different than the emotions experienced by those whose children were injured. Far, far different.

And, for those who were there...the 'survivors'..., emotions also were, I'm pretty sure, far different than the emotions experienced by those whose children were murdered or injured. Far, far different.

Those individuals have just recently begun coming to the fore and their feelings, their emotions, their trauma are being expressed by them more publicly than before both personally and in various groups. The Rebels Project is just one example of a trauma support organization that also has a trauma survivor/support group (The Rebels Project: Mass Shooting and Trauma Support).

The latter group is a private group and membership is limited to those who've suffered trauma as a result of gun violence and/or mass shootings. It's also by invitation only, so, if any readers of this blog post who meet membership requirements would like to, or need, trauma support from some pretty incredible members, please let me know and I'll nominate you through the group admins.

But I digress.....

For me, when bundled together in a day that seemed to have no end, those emotions rendered me numb, almost to the point of being mindless.

• Just go with the flow
• Let things fall where they may
• Rely on the professionals to do their jobs
• Stay in the background as much as possible
• Don't get in the way
• Look to the future no matter how premature that might be, plan for the worst, but also hope for the best
• Try to stay focused
• Above all else, be strong (yeah, right)

How does one realistically address the maelstrom swirling around everyone affected by this shitstorm? Seriously....how does one go about doing the things and making decisions about those critical things that fall solely on one's own shoulders....no one else's shoulders, one's OWN shoulders....that could mean the difference between life and death for a loved one? Seriously....

Taken individually, handling these emotions one by one might actually have been possible. Taken in the aggregate, especially with what was going down, they were, quite literally, mind numbing!

A psychological self-defense mechanism kicked in for me from the moment I first heard there was a school shooting taking place at my kids' school...one of numbness. It was my own personal coping mechanism. It pretty much lasted throughout the day and far into the night, but the next day.....

The details of that specific day have become somewhat hazy.....not forgotten, just hazy.

But the one word that best describes all the feelings above that I've tried to explain in such a manner so people will be able to understand, to accept, to be able to wrap their heads around, to empathize somehow and then all rolled into one for me is numb.

I felt numb.

When the day after April 20, 1999 dawned cold, rainy, and heavy laden with misery for so many families whose lives were irrevocably altered by 'Columbine', reality took on a whole new meaning:

It was after that first day, April 20, 1999, that reality began to set in, a reality that a lot of folks struggled with in trying to describe their own situations in such a way that others might understand, might be able to comprehend, might be able to even begin to wrap their heads around.

Cliches and analogies became commonplace:

• New normal
• Wheels fell off
• Runaway freight train
• Worst school massacre in history (although it wasn't)
• It DID happen here
• We are Columbine
• We are ALL Columbine 

....to name a few.

Little did any of us know on that day that all those descriptors...all the cute, trite cliches and analogies would come to be associated with 'Columbine' and kind of even become a baseline of sorts for other school massacres.

There were massacres prior to 'Columbine', and there have been many massacres after 'Columbine'.

Every single one of those massacres deserves to be remembered in their own right and to be recognized for their own unique place in the unwelcome, unwanted 'community' of those affected by these atrocities.

None is more or less tragic than another.

And I'll end this blog post on that note.

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