The 'Real' Bullies in Mass Shootings.....

Remember awhile back when there was a counter-movement to the March For Our Lives movement called #WalkUPnotOUT? While well intentioned, I personally believe that effort was an attempt to try and address bullying in schools and to place responsibility for doing that squarely on the shoulders of the kids choosing to participate in the walk-outs and the protests of March For Our Lives.

 
With that, who are the real bullies in mass school shootings? Really. Who are they?

Soon after the massacre at Columbine High School April 20, 1999, rumors began circulating about the possibility that the two shooters who carried out this massacre had been the victims of bullying at the school. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Whether they were or were not is a conclusion that, by its very nature, must be reached individually by each of us based on our own knowledge and on our own perceptions of the incident, itself.

The fact is they, themselves --- the two shooters of Columbine, became bullies in the most extreme sense of the word as soon as they set their insane plan in motion. I would venture to say this is the case with any shooter, or shooters, in any mass shooting be it in a school or other public venue.

Bullying, while having been in existence since, well, forever, has taken on a new identity, a new methodology, if you will, with the advent of social media on the Internet. It takes on many more forms than it ever has in the past, as well. There's cyber-bullying, physical bullying, work-place bullying, verbal bullying, and the list goes on. There is also much more of a focus on bullying now than there ever has been in the past, due, in part, to the media attention being focused on teen suicides as a result of bullying. The problem as I see it, however, is there are so many facets, so many levels, to bullying in general, that it is difficult, at best, to be able to put a definitive face on it every single time.

The Columbine shooters were bullies extraordinaire. One of those shooters, was, in fact, a psychopath.

They bullied to the point of carrying out a massacre.

They caused an ensuing debate with few, if any, answers as to 'why' by taking their own lives, thereby leaving entire families and a grievously wounded community with no one at whom to direct their collective grief, sorrow, and, in some cases, rage.

Not only did these two bully an entire school, they bullied an entire community, as well. They bullied their parents, their siblings. They bullied their surviving victims. 

In reality, I suppose it could be said they actually bullied a nation.

I've been asked the question, "Do you hate them --- the shooters, that is?" I didn't know them, so how could I realistically hate them? Do I hate what they did? That pretty much goes without saying. Have I forgiven them? I honestly can't say that I have. Perhaps someday, I'll be able to reach a definitive point of forgiveness toward them. That day hasn't yet arrived.

They did so much harm to so many, I can't begin to wrap my own head around why they would do such a thing. Maybe that's a good thing - if any of us actually understood why they did this horrible thing, wouldn't that make us capable of similar acts? I don't know. What I do know, however, is that the answers to 'why' died the day they took their own lives. Beyond that, I believe anything anyone comes up with is pure speculation.

I've also been asked, "Do you blame the parents?" You know, even my Dad asked a similar question. He tried so very hard to wrap his head around why anyone would do this, how the parents could be caught so off guard. All I could say to him was that these families were as caught up in their grief as any other families were. These families had suffered great loss, too. These family’s lives were also changed forever. Does that absolve them from guilt? Could they have been more aware of what was going on? Could they have done more to get help for their kids? I don't presume to judge them in any way, shape, or form. That's something they must work through in their own healing process. I don't wish them ill, never have and never will. They didn't bully anyone that I am aware of - their sons did. Does that make them guilty by association? Perhaps I'm being naive, but I prefer to think not.

So, how can any of the questions asked following this massacre be definitively answered? I don't know. All I know is if we do nothing, if we do not engage in dialogue, intelligent and meaningful discussion, we'll never be able to put an end to the issue of bullying itself.

Hell, as time has elapsed and the nation keeps experiencing more and more mass shootings, Columbine has faded into most people's collective memories. Oh, it’s still there for sure. It’s just not the primary topic of conversation when another mass shooting goes front and center in our lives. Rather, it’s a sort of a citation, something to be referenced as a comparison. And even those instances are becoming fewer and fewer as more recent mass shootings eclipse the savagery the shooters of Columbine carried out. I've heard tell there are even those who don't know what is being talked about when the subject of Columbine is brought up. That's not their fault. No, indeed, it isn’t. It’s our OWN damn fault.

To be clear, I'm not saying any of this out of any sense of need for sympathy or condolences either for my own, or for my family’s, personal experiences in the massacre known as 'Columbine'. Likewise, I'm not doing this to gain anyone's approval or permission to proceed with my memories, my experiences, etc., either. It took me a long time to even be able to give myself permission to do something like this. And I'm not going to stop just because someone who does not truly know me apparently thinks ill of me, or thinks I'm too close to the incident to be able to speak to it rationally, or believes I'm using my children in some way to further an agenda because of their direct involvement in the massacre. I simply do not care what people like this think. My thoughts and my experiences are my own, not theirs. That's a simple statement of fact. Truth is, bullies are everywhere. On social media sites, the bullying can be, and often times is, brutal.

For far too long, prior to the massacre at Columbine, my family hid behind a veil of secrecy, pretty much pretending that everything was okay, putting on the happy face so no one would suspect any underlying problems even existed. That facade was erected to hide a very pervasive, very debilitating mental illness in my first wife that ultimately resulted in her suicide with a gun. I've been told her suicide by gun was my fault. That, to me, is bullying in the extreme.

There was a controversy surrounding the phrase "We Are Columbine" that came into widespread use almost immediately following that fateful day. Because this massacre affected so many, a modification was eventually made to the phrase to read "We Are ALL Columbine". Whether or not that satisfied everyone is a question each individual will need to answer for themselves. If we truly are all Columbine, then we should all also have a voice, a means by which we can all share our own stories, our own paths toward healing, and our own journeys as we each move forward with our lives. That's the only way, in my opinion, that meaningful lessons can be learned from any of this. That being said, I do not for one second believe any of us will ever completely heal from this. I do know, however, that each of us can once again find happiness if we never, ever give up striving toward it.

Given the fact kids from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School have put themselves out there in order to try and turn their own personal trauma into something positive, and given the fact they continue to get attacked and bullied for doing so, it behooves ALL of us ---- EVERY..SINGLE..ONE..OF..US --- to heed the call for calm and rational conversations on how best to address not only the ongoing issue of bullying, but also the ongoing issue of gun violence in this country.

Our journey continues.....

My two cents.

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