Dredging Up The Past To Better Understand Where We Are Now

Dredging Up The Past To Better Understand Where We Are Now

Is it ever ok to delve into one's family discord, dynamics, dirty laundry, and dysfunction and make them public? Or, is it better to sweep things under a rug or to let sleeping dogs lie as the old adage goes? These are serious questions that I know a lot of folks struggle with more often than they'd like to admit. I'm no different.

A long time ago (2013 to be exact...not too long after the school massacre that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December 2012), someone from Connecticut made a comment on another blog post I'd written in which I discussed a few personal family matters, the primary one of which focused on a rift that had developed between my daughter, Anne Marie, and members of my family including me. For those who may not remember, Anne Marie was shot twice at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. Her injuries were grievous and the fact she survived is a miracle in and of itself. I wrote something in response to this person from Connecticut, but took it down not too long after for personal reasons, not the least of which was getting some very negative feedback from a lot of folks, some of whom I didn't even know and who didn't know me, or my circumstances. My family, as always, were very supportive (see comment section to get an idea from my younger sister, Faye Rockswold). She is one of many family members and friends whose support and love I'll treasure for as long as I live.

Before I go any farther and to be very clear, the rift between my daughter and my family (including me) is still very much ongoing, and likely won't ever be resolved to anyone's satisfaction. That's simply a statement of fact given the water that has gone under the bridge in the interim.

The comment written by the person from Connecticut was heart wrenching in its honesty and what I consider to be desperation. Here it is:

"I am a Connecticut mother who is trying to understand whats (sic) in my community's future... I have read your blog from beginning to now almost end with interest in trying to figure out how someone gets beyond this kind of tragedy.... all I can think is that you need to go find your daughter and hug her right now!! The difference here is you still have your daughter alive... don't, again repeat, don't let any money, people, anything stand between you and her... you have described that you have done all you can for Ann (sic) Marie... don't let anyone or anything come between you and your alive daughter... forget about the narcissism, narcissitic (sic) extension nonsense justify your actions... go get her now...."

That response shook me to my core. After having gathered my wits about me, I told this person that, unfortunately, it simply wasn't that easy to just "go get her now...."! I didn't mean it in a bad way or as scorn. Rather, I meant it more from a perspective that tried to address both personal and legal ramifications no one outside of a few very close family were aware of. I also tried to address, in a roundabout way, this individual's concerns, i.e.: "trying to understand what's in my community's future", and "trying to figure out how someone gets beyond this kind of tragedy". Not an easy task, for sure.

In my view, a community's future is dependent upon those who live there and those who are most willing to take risks regarding the healing of the community as a whole. That there will be division, discord, divorce, ranting, raving, loss of jobs, perhaps even suicide following incidents on the scale of what the Sandy Hook Community went through is pretty much a given. In fact, the factors listed are something seen in the aftermath of every single school mass murder since well before the massacre at Columbine. We saw it, as well, following the mass murder at the Aurora theater here in Colorado and the mass murder in Las Vegas a few years ago, too. The stats on mass shootings of any kind do not lie, and they are something that is not exclusive to school shootings/massacres.

The ripple effects of mass shootings are the kind of things that are least talked about in the media and elsewhere simply because they are deemed, more often than not, to be too painful....or, perhaps not as newsworthy as the massacres themselves. But I digress.

Reality is if we choose not to discuss the ripple effects of mass shootings, we simply deny our own, and society's, reality. And that can be disastrous in and of itself.

The sad reality, too, is there are no happy endings for these types of tragedies and those they affect no matter what society wants to believe. My family is no different in that regard. 

I've seen a whole bunch of social media network pages popping up over time for those affected by these types of tragedies. A very sad reality is there are folks still requiring the benefits of professional therapy and support groups as a result of their experiences. The silver lining in all of this might be that these individuals now also have others to talk to whom they can commiserate with and lean on in a virtual world where they don't have to worry about what anyone else might think or say about their depression, their anxiety, their fear, their frustration, their ongoing PTSD simply because the vast majority of those who participate on these types of pages share a kind of bond...a bond no one chooses to forge except by common circumstances. It's all part and parcel of recovery, and it's something each of us has to go through in our own way in our own time. We can all try our very best to redefine what happiness means for us all, but the trauma of the event that affected us stays with us no matter what. We cannot change that - ever. Nor will the folks in any of a very long and ever growing list of communities affected by similar massacres be able to change their reality. 

Thus far in my blog, I haven't gone into the more specific and some might say sordid details of how the rift came about between my daughter and myself. I've always tried to take the high road in this regard. I'll continue trying to take that high road as much as I possibly can. But, in some respects, I feel like I've been ostracized by some folks based on what they've seen and read coming from my daughter. Some of those folks who've bought into what my daughter has put out there have gone through similar experiences to my own including some in the Columbine 'community'. I simply cannot understand where they're coming from. But, again, I digress.

There are a couple of things I'd ask them to try and understand. First, I've been accused of being a narcissist when it comes to my decisions on how to care for, and provide for, Anne Marie's short term and long term needs as a paraplegic. The only reason I bring this up here is because those who've chastised me, ridiculed me, and attacked me for decisions I made to care for Anne Marie have no knowledge of what it took for me to do so. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I'm not looking for kudos. It truly isn't about me. Truth is, parents who care for and love their kids choose to do for those kids whatever they can to help ensure their kid's safety and wellbeing. That's what I tried to do. 

Second, it's frustrating on a personal level whenever someone suggests my course of action is nonsense. It isn't nonsense when you've lived with caring 24/7 for two people, Anne Marie and her Mother, both of whom could not care for themselves for as long as I did. For Anne Marie's Mother, it went back pre-Columbine with a very pervasive and incurable mental illness that damn near destroyed me because everything I tried to do to help her was to no avail. 

And, finally, when it comes to what I did for Anne Marie, I'd ask folks to understand exactly what that means.....that I'd helped her to the "best of her ability", not that I'd done as much as I could for her. For some, this might be a difficult concept to understand. It took me a very long time to come to this realization much less be able to accept it in our relationship with each other. It's a whole lot different than saying I've done all I can for Anne Marie. In other words, I didn't quit on her. Not before Columbine. Not after Columbine. Not before her Mother's suicide by gun. Not after her Mother's suicide by gun. Not EVER. I'd helped her to the best of HER ability, and she chose to estrange herself from her own family. She tells anyone who will listen that her family, specifically me, abandoned her. In one regard she's right. Her Mother abandoned her.....and the rest of us, when she took her own life. But the rest of her family did not abandon her. Nor would we. Choices have consequences. Her choices resulted in destructive behavior that I won't go into in detail. Suffice to say her choices came very close to destroying my extended family.

Perhaps, at some point down the road in this blog, I'll be ready, able, and more willing to talk about what really happened in the rift between father and daughter, but that time isn't now.

My blog isn't about Anne Marie. Rather, it's about a healing journey....my, and my family's, healing journey. At times, this healing journey will also be about those closest to me and how they still struggle with everything Columbine. And still other times, it will address what each and every one of us might be able to do to help provide safer schools for our children by getting involved, by staying involved, and by educating ourselves in this process....taking on a cause can help in the healing process that each of us goes through. 

Yes, my daughter is alive today, thanks to not only her own herculean efforts to survive, but thanks as well to a virtual army (not in the military sense) of family, friends, community, doctors, nurses, paramedics, and so many more. The problem is I can't just "go get her now" as she has chosen a path that does not include me or my side of her own family. I struggle with the fact we haven't spoken to each other since late 2009. It hasn't been by my choice that this is so. It is hers and hers alone. I'd ask folks to try to understand that sometimes things just aren't as simple or straightforward as they might seem.

The best possible advice I can give to anyone struggling to deal with similar types of family discord is this:

Thanks for listening.

My two cents.....

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