These are some of her memories of the days, weeks, and months following the Columbine massacre.
A couple clarifications for those who read this essay:
- Belva, as Faye also did, mentions 'Jerry' throughout her memories. That would be me. My given name is 'Jerrold', and my family has always known me as 'Jerry'.
- Belva also mentions Marc, Whitney, and Brendon. Marc is Belva's husband, Whitney is her daughter, and Brendon is her son.
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| Belva Palmer |
Belva....in her own words:
I got up and went to work just like any other day. I remember it was absolutely gorgeous outside, very sunny and warm. It was a perfect spring day.
I took an early lunch with my friend to run some errands. We got back to the office around 11:40. I had just finished eating my lunch when another friend came into my office and asked if I had heard about what’s going on at the school. I looked at her and asked “What school?” and she said, “There’s all kinds of shooting going on at Columbine High School.”
I think I kind of went into autopilot mode at that point. I just grabbed the phone and started dialing Jerry’s work number. I didn’t know that he was out of town on business travel. When I didn’t get an answer there I dialed his home number. Carla and Anne Marie sounded a lot alike when on the phone so when Carla answered I thought it was Anne Marie and I said, “Oh thank God you’re OK. Where’s Nathan?” Carla answered, “I don’t know.” And that’s when I realized it was Carla and not Anne Marie.
I asked her if Jerry was there and she told me she was alone so I told her I was on my way and I ran out of my office. I don’t really remember much about the drive over to their house other than the fact that I kept repeating “Please God let them be OK” over and over.
I couldn’t get to their house my regular way since they lived close to the school and the police had the roads blocked so I took an alternate route. I was going to park my car and run to their house if I had to, but the alternate route was open.
I didn’t really know what to expect when I got there because Carla had been ill for quite awhile but she seemed to be very focused and relatively calm when she opened the door.
She told me she had tried to drive to the school but had been turned away. She also told me a teacher had said to her that Anne Marie had been shot but that it was in the foot. We figured that was bad but it wasn’t life threatening so we were just waiting to hear from the school as to what hospital Anne Marie had been sent to and where Nathan was. I guess at that point I was more worried about Nathan since we didn’t know where he was.
Carla had been told to keep their home phone line open in case the school called so we were doing most of our calling on cell phones. I called Marc, told him what was going on and asked him to go to Leawood Elementary (since that was one of the drop off points for students) and look for Nathan.
I’m not sure what the time line was but after awhile a student came to the door and asked if Nathan was home. He told us that Anne Marie had been shot in the stomach. We were much more worried about her after that but we still kind of figured it wasn’t life threatening.
I remember Carla getting pretty upset with her own sister since she kept calling on the home phone line trying to get information. Carla told her we would call her as soon as we heard anything.
Again, I’m not sure of the time but two of Anne Marie and Nathan’s friends, along with their mom, and another friend came to the house. Two of them were sitting with Anne Marie when she was shot.
They were the ones who told us that Anne Marie had been shot in the chest. They also told us that they thought she had been taken to Swedish Medical Center. I think they must have stopped to clean up because I remember looking at one of their pants and seeing drops of blood on them.
I ran across the street to the neighbor’s house and asked them if they could give Carla a ride to the hospital. Before Carla left, Jerry called the house and that’s when Carla told him that Anne Marie had been shot in the chest.
The friends who told us Anne Marie had been shot in the chest volunteered to go to the Jefferson County Public Library and look for Nathan since that was the other drop off point for students. During this whole time, I was calling relatives to give them status reports on what we knew.
After Carla left I just paced in their family room watching the TV and trying to see if I could spot Nathan in the stream of kids running from the school. I remember starting to cry but then I stopped myself thinking I couldn’t do that right then and that I had to keep myself “together”.
One of my friends called and asked if there was anything she could do for me. I asked her to come over and possibly give me a ride to the hospital once we knew where Nathan was. I also asked her to call her husband at the time and see if he could pick up my kids from school.
Since all of the area schools had gone into “lock down” when this happened, I called the school and talked with the principal to let him know our situation because the schools were not releasing children to anyone other than their parents.
I told him who was coming to pick up Whitney and Brendon and that he should have Whitney visually identify him and also to have the school check his driver’s license. Because of the circumstances, the principal agreed to do this for us.
It was pretty late in the afternoon when I got a call from Marc. He said the five most beautiful words I’ve ever heard in my life … “I’ve got Nathan. He’s OK.” I told him which hospital Anne Marie was at and he took Nathan there.
I then called Mom and Dad and Carla’s sister in Minnesota to tell them that Nathan was OK. I also called the friends who’d gone to the library to let them know that Nathan was OK. I told them I was locking up the house and was on my way to the hospital.
My friend and I went to the hospital but we had to wait downstairs for a while until Carla’s cousin and her husband left (Swedish was trying to limit the number of people in the Critical Care Unit). Marc had left to go to the airport and pick up Jerry from his flight into Denver.
I remember my first glimpse of Anne Marie and how I couldn’t believe all the machines hooked up to her keeping her alive. She looked very fragile and very pale.
After that it’s pretty much a blur. There were lots of meetings with Doctors, Social Workers, PR people, etc. Jerry, Carla and I would usually all go to these meetings so that there would be less chance of missing something important. We took a lot of very scattered notes but I’m not sure what happened to those notes.
I was at the hospital with Jerry and Carla nonstop for 2 days without any sleep for any of us. Marc came by on Wednesday and he told me he was taking me home to get some sleep. When I asked him why (I really didn’t want to leave Jerry and Carla) he told me I was talking really goofy (guess I was exhausted and not making any sense whatsoever at that point).
When I finally did go home on Wednesday night to take a shower and get a little sleep I remember Whitney giving me her newest beanie baby “Hope” (an angel bear) and asking me to give Hope to Anne Marie for company. Anne Marie kept that bear within reach for most of the time her first week or so in the hospital.
Whitney really wanted to go to the hospital but Marc and I thought we should wait to take the kids to see Anne Marie until she was a little stronger and in a little less danger health wise.
I think it was about a week after Columbine that we finally let the kids come to the hospital to see Anne Marie. I sat them down and explained that there were all kinds of tubes and machines hooked up to Anne Marie and that it might look a little scary to them but that those machines were helping Anne Marie.
After taking the kids in to see Anne Marie as we left her room I remember Whitney looking up at me and telling me “Geez Mom, she didn’t look that bad!” At that point I realized my kids were a lot more mature and accepting than I gave them credit for.
I was absolutely blown away and completely humbled by the outpouring of support from the local community, the nation and people from around the world. The Columbine families received cards, flowers, gifts and prayers from thousands of people. I think sometimes that’s what kept us going during that awful time. It was the knowledge that a lot of very good people were praying for us.
I'll end this post with a special thank you to Belva Palmer just as I did for Faye Rockswold. Belva's love and support and her family's love and support throughout our healing journey following the Columbine massacre will never be forgotten.
Hopefully you'll consider contributing more essays and insights in the future.
Love you and yours more than you'll ever know.
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