My Thoughts on 'Civilian' Weaponry

 

My Thoughts on 'Civilian' Weaponry

I saw an article recently in The Atlantic (What I Saw Treating the Victims From Parkland Should Change the Debate on Guns) on how damages to human flesh done by an AR-15 are different than those caused by some other semi-automatic weapons. That article sat me back on my keister more than just a little bit. Why? Because I believe my daughter is still alive today because an AR-15 assault style weapon was NOT the weapon used to critically injure her at Columbine High School April 20, 1999. Rather, the weapon used to shoot my daughter was a Hi-Point 995 Carbine 9 mm semi-automatic rifle, a semi-automatic long gun.

To be perfectly clear, I do not portray the Hi-Point Model 995 Carbine Rifle herein in any way, shape, or form as being anything but a semi-automatic long gun. I’m simply using it as a comparison to the AR-15 and the damages both can inflict based on research and my own personal analysis and experience.

The Atlantic article features a radiologist, Heather Sher, who spoke out about the injuries she saw in performing autopsies on the victims of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School massacre. Her descriptions of those injuries were unsettling for me because some of them were eerily similar to some of the injuries inflicted on my daughter.

My daughter suffered severe and traumatic injuries to her vena cava vein, her liver, her lungs, her diaphragm, and her spinal column. The injury to her vena cava vein is what almost killed her because it caused severe internal bleeding. The liver wound was bad, but we were told by her doctors the liver can regenerate if it isn't damaged beyond that self-repair threshold. The injury to her lungs caused one of them to collapse...more than once. The injury to her spinal column caused her paralysis. All of those injuries combined to cause fluid buildup around her heart that had to be surgically addressed in order to prevent her from going into cardiac arrest. And that's about as graphic a description of her injuries as I'm comfortable giving in this essay. Please reference The Atlantic article for comparisons in the types of wounds discussed here because some of the similarities are what prompted me to say what I’m saying in the first place.

All of my daughter’s injuries were caused by two rounds...two rounds. They came from that Hi-Point Model 995 Carbine Rifle. At the time, I didn't think two bullets could cause such damage. Apparently, and according to the radiologist in The Atlantic article, I was wrong....almost dead wrong. 

An AR-15 can, and does, inflict much more damage because it fires high velocity rounds. Those high velocity rounds arguably would have blown up my daughter’s internal organs instead of causing the damages, albeit critical damages, the rounds from the Hi-Point Model 995 Carbine Rifle inflicted.

As proof of my assertion, there are numerous YouTube videos anyone can view in which AR-15s are used to shoot rounds into ballistics gel. The one I chose to share here is of the AR-15 military equivalent, the M-16: Could You Survive Three M16 Bullets to the Chest? I chose this Smithsonian Channel video for what I consider obvious reasons. There are many more amateur videos, as well.

What an AR-15 is capable of doing to ballistics gel is horrifying simply because ballistics gel is similar in consistency to human flesh. That right there should be the primary focus of any discussion of whether or not AR-15s should even be in civilian hands from where I sit. 

The AR-15 is virtually a military grade weapon without the fully-automatic function. We can argue nuances until we’re blue in the face, but it won’t change that fact. Add in a 'bump stock', and an AR-15 is virtually transformed into an almost fully-automatic military grade weapon. The Las Vegas massacre, in which fourteen of the 24 weapons found in the shooter's hotel room were AR-15 semi-automatic assault style rifles, is proof of that assertion. 

So, please forgive me if I don't buy into the mantra pro-gun advocates and advocacy groups keep pushing that we cannot have a rational discussion on gun 'control' until those in favor of restricting or banning AR-15 assault style weapons educate themselves on same, especially when pro-gun advocates promote that AR-15s are useful for hunting and home defense (The NRA Claims the AR-15 Is Useful for Hunting and Home Defense. Not Exactly). That’s a non-starter for me, especially after having watched The Smithsonian YouTube video. I'd wager it is for a lot of other folks, as well.

My two cents.

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Compassion: A Double Edged Sword

 

My Two Cents: Compassion – A Double Edged Sword

Having compassion for others suffering from some form of trauma is a good thing, right? 

Acting on our compassion to try and help out is what some say life is all about…especially if the recipients are people we don’t even know.

That appears to be the case with a teacher battling cancer who ran out of sick days while dealing with issues surrounding his treatment regimen.

According to the article that was published in December 2018:

“The Florida public school teacher figured he needed at least 20 additional sick days to deal with more chemotherapy, days he just didn't have.”

The teacher, Robert Goodman, took a selfie, asked for help, and posted on Facebook. The results of his plea were simply amazing! When fellow teachers saw his plea for help, they donated some of their sick days to him. Within four days, he’d been given far more than the 20 days he’d requested.

Mr. Goodman returned to his classroom 11 months later. I haven't been able to find any further updates on his situation, but, his Facebook page is still active. I’d like to believe the sick days donated by his fellow educators played a role in his survival – compassion personified.

I and my family were also recipients of compassion following the Columbine massacre.

I won’t go into the details, but suffice to say the initial response to that horrific event by a galvanized community and nation was enormous.

Double edged swords have two edges; one favorable and the other not so much. Mr. Goodman’s experience and my own as recipients of compassion given by others are two examples of what favorable edges of double edged swords can look like.

As time went on post-Columbine, though, volunteers became exhausted by the sheer magnitude of what they were trying to do. A kind of compassion ‘fatigue’ set in.

Their exhaustion caused them to gradually withdraw from further volunteer work related to Columbine. 

That’s not a bad thing, really. It was time, in fact.

There were many in the community opining it was long past time. 

This is where the other edge of double edged swords comes into play; at least in my Columbine experience…the not so nice edge.

Some pundits in local media and comments from their followers began taking on a more cynical and resentful tone. 

Chuck Green, an OpEd writer with the Denver Post, said the victims of Columbine were receiving and asking for more.

From the OpEd:

“There seems to be no limit.”

Also, from the OpEd:

“Yet the Columbine victims still have their hands out for more. When is enough enough?"

He followed up that OpEd with another: Enough milking of tragedy

From this OpEd:

“It seems a floodgate of resentment had been opened, and readers in droves vented their frustration.”

Mr. Green appears to imply in his OpEds that families of Columbine victims were trying to take advantage of tragedy that had befallen them. 

That was downright offensive.

I was angry and I responded: Columbine Dad rebukes Chuck Green.

From my OpEd:

“I would give everything we’ve received back in a heartbeat if only we could turn back the clock and prevent from happening what took place on April 20, 1999.”

Mr. Green did not respond.

Compassion coupled with resentment; a confusing and difficult challenge.

It was clear this event divided the Columbine community. 

Conversely, there are still times even today when people tell me they feel they didn’t do enough to help victim’s families.

When I hear from these folks, I’m stunned. I truly do not believe they could have done any more than they did to help.

On a personal level, divisiveness took its toll. There’s more to it than just that, but about two years after the event, I moved my family out of Littleton.

We moved into a small rural community where I felt we could finally breathe. I have no regrets for doing so.

In the months and years following Columbine, I’ve had to watch this very same scenario play out after far too many mass shootings; compassion rendered followed by compassion fatigue sometimes followed by resentment and, more often than not, followed by divisiveness.

My advice? 

Breathe, folks – breathe….

Compassion – A Double Edged Sword.

My two cents.

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Is Suicide by Gun Actually Gun Violence?

 

Is Suicide by Gun Actually Gun Violence?

Warning: Some may find the subject matter discussed in this post unsettling. 

There have been many debates I’ve engaged in where avid pro-gun 2nd Amendment supporters say things to me I’d rather not hear. Whenever those discussions revolve around suicide by gun and a relational association to gun violence, a typical discussion often goes something like this:

Them: Suicide by gun is NOT GUN VIOLENCE (yeah, they almost always all caps me to help drive home their point)!

Me: Why not?

Them: Because the person committing suicide (they all say "committing"....I'm leaving it in here because it comes from those who really don't know the connotation of the word) with a gun doesn’t kill anyone else.

Me: So, let me get this straight….someone putting a gun to their head, and pulling the trigger isn’t ending their life in as violent a manner as someone committing a murder (see the correlation to "committing suicide"? I hope so) of someone else? Got it….

Them: 

Me: Would a suicide by gun be included as gun violence if the person taking their own life with a gun had murdered others before taking their own, like, say for instance, a domestic violence murder/suicide…..by gun?

Them:

Me: How about shooters who commit mass murder before ending their own lives with their own guns?

Them: THEY’RE TRYING TO TAKE OUR GUNS!!!!

That’s pretty much the point at which the conversation ends.

So, what’s the back story here? 

My first wife, Carla, took her own life by gun…in a pawn shop…a public place of business…with customers present…with at least one store employee present...six months almost to the day following the massacre at Columbine High School. Some folks tried to rationalize her suicide by linking it to the fact our daughter was shot and critically injured during that incident...that our daughter's injuries were what drove Carla to take her own life. They were wrong, but that's where they tried to go with this tragedy. I attribute those rationalizations to a misguided attempt to make some kind of sense out of something that made no sense at all....something that most folks couldn't begin to wrap their own heads around when it came to anything and everything related to the Columbine massacre. 

She did this with a weapon she'd asked the clerk to show her. While the clerk turned his back to her to prepare necessary paperwork for her to purchase the gun, she loaded two rounds into the weapon, fired one of those rounds into the ceiling, put the barrel of the weapon to her temple……….and pulled the trigger. She died instantly.

Unbeknownst to me or anyone else, she’d somehow managed to purchase a box of ammunition even with almost 24/7 monitoring of her comings and goings. 

She hid the ammo from everyone until the day she took her own life. She knew the caliber of the ammo. She knew which kind of weapon to ask the pawn shop employee to show her.

Here’s what bothers me the most when pro-gun advocates come at me with their claim that suicide by gun can't be included as gun violence, though…what if she’d taken more rounds with her that fateful day, loaded a full magazine, shot customers and/or store clerks, and then put the gun to her temple and pulled the trigger? Would her suicide by gun then have counted as gun violence? Sorry. Rhetorical....

Obviously, we’ll never know the answer to those questions, because she did none of those things with the exception of ending her own life….with a gun. 

Where am I going with all of this? Hang in there, folks, because loose ends will hopefully get tied together at some point here.

Carla was diagnosed as having delusional paranoia with psychotic episodes in 1996, three years before the massacre at Columbine High School. Her descent into a very dark abyss did not happen overnight. That descent was very gradual, very pervasive, and very insidious.

She hid her illness very well to everyone except me. I lived her mental and emotional pain with her. I lived her delusional paranoia right beside her. I lived her psychosis with her at least as well as I could wrap my own head around it. 

Even our own kids didn’t know the full extent of her illness. They still don't to this very day know the full extent of her illness. They knew something wasn’t right, but Carla made me promise not to tell anyone, including the kids, how ill she really was. I honored those wishes. I did so because I knew the negative stigma associated with pretty much any kind of mental illness was something she was aware of and was very much afraid of. That was a big part of her paranoia.

Has anyone ever heard folks like those avid pro-gun 2nd Amendment supporters mentioned at the outset call the shooters in mass shootings loonies? How about crazies? How about some other pejorative and negative label? Is anyone currently reading this blog post guilty of thinking, or actually doing, the same? Serious question. The reason I ask is because it's not always the pro-gun advocates who apply negative labels to those who suffer horribly from the incurable malady of mental illness. But I digress.

The mantra of pro-gun 2nd Amendment advocates? We end gun violence by treating the mentally ill, that’s how. According to them, guns aren’t the problem, mental illness is.

That…that right there is why so many folks with clinically diagnosed mental illnesses withdraw into themselves and suffer their pain alone….Carla tried to do that but I wouldn’t let her, at least with me.

The negative stigma is the reason why so many choose to deny their own mental illness. Carla certainly did up until the day she took her own life. It’s also why so many choose to self-medicate. Carla did this, too, and it’s why I monitored her medication so carefully after her first attempt at taking her own life. 

Surprised? Don’t be. Carla’s suicide by gun was not her first attempt at ending her own life. Her first attempt was to try and overdose on her own medications. She almost succeeded, but vomited before they became fatal to her. She absorbed enough of her medications to render her pretty much unable to function for days afterward though. Even though she hated guns, she came to the realization and acceptance that suicide by gun was simply the most effective and most efficient way to end her life.

There’s much more to Carla’s back story, but for this writing at least, what I’ve provided here is hopefully enough to paint a picture of her pain and suffering the likes of which most folks will never be able to even come close to understanding. 

So, from where I sit, taking one’s own life with a gun is the very epitome of an act of gun violence. As far as I’m concerned, that is a simple, pragmatic, straightforward statement of fact. And I do NOT say this as a condemnation of Carla. I say it, rather, as someone who lived her illness with her. That I was finally able to come to grips with and accept that her level of pain was the driving force in her taking her own life and that a gun was the most efficient and effective, but VIOLENT, way for her to do so is on me, not her. End of story.

So:

For any readers who still count themselves in that pro-gun 2nd Amendment group saying suicide by gun can’t be included as gun violence, convince me otherwise. Go ahead. I dare you to try.

My two cents.

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Dredging Up The Past To Better Understand Where We Are Now

Dredging Up The Past To Better Understand Where We Are Now

Is it ever ok to delve into one's family discord, dynamics, dirty laundry, and dysfunction and make them public? Or, is it better to sweep things under a rug or to let sleeping dogs lie as the old adage goes? These are serious questions that I know a lot of folks struggle with more often than they'd like to admit. I'm no different.

A long time ago (2013 to be exact...not too long after the school massacre that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December 2012), someone from Connecticut made a comment on another blog post I'd written in which I discussed a few personal family matters, the primary one of which focused on a rift that had developed between my daughter, Anne Marie, and members of my family including me. For those who may not remember, Anne Marie was shot twice at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. Her injuries were grievous and the fact she survived is a miracle in and of itself. I wrote something in response to this person from Connecticut, but took it down not too long after for personal reasons, not the least of which was getting some very negative feedback from a lot of folks, some of whom I didn't even know and who didn't know me, or my circumstances. My family, as always, were very supportive (see comment section to get an idea from my younger sister, Faye Rockswold). She is one of many family members and friends whose support and love I'll treasure for as long as I live.

Before I go any farther and to be very clear, the rift between my daughter and my family (including me) is still very much ongoing, and likely won't ever be resolved to anyone's satisfaction. That's simply a statement of fact given the water that has gone under the bridge in the interim.

The comment written by the person from Connecticut was heart wrenching in its honesty and what I consider to be desperation. Here it is:

"I am a Connecticut mother who is trying to understand whats (sic) in my community's future... I have read your blog from beginning to now almost end with interest in trying to figure out how someone gets beyond this kind of tragedy.... all I can think is that you need to go find your daughter and hug her right now!! The difference here is you still have your daughter alive... don't, again repeat, don't let any money, people, anything stand between you and her... you have described that you have done all you can for Ann (sic) Marie... don't let anyone or anything come between you and your alive daughter... forget about the narcissism, narcissitic (sic) extension nonsense justify your actions... go get her now...."

That response shook me to my core. After having gathered my wits about me, I told this person that, unfortunately, it simply wasn't that easy to just "go get her now...."! I didn't mean it in a bad way or as scorn. Rather, I meant it more from a perspective that tried to address both personal and legal ramifications no one outside of a few very close family were aware of. I also tried to address, in a roundabout way, this individual's concerns, i.e.: "trying to understand what's in my community's future", and "trying to figure out how someone gets beyond this kind of tragedy". Not an easy task, for sure.

In my view, a community's future is dependent upon those who live there and those who are most willing to take risks regarding the healing of the community as a whole. That there will be division, discord, divorce, ranting, raving, loss of jobs, perhaps even suicide following incidents on the scale of what the Sandy Hook Community went through is pretty much a given. In fact, the factors listed are something seen in the aftermath of every single school mass murder since well before the massacre at Columbine. We saw it, as well, following the mass murder at the Aurora theater here in Colorado and the mass murder in Las Vegas a few years ago, too. The stats on mass shootings of any kind do not lie, and they are something that is not exclusive to school shootings/massacres.

The ripple effects of mass shootings are the kind of things that are least talked about in the media and elsewhere simply because they are deemed, more often than not, to be too painful....or, perhaps not as newsworthy as the massacres themselves. But I digress.

Reality is if we choose not to discuss the ripple effects of mass shootings, we simply deny our own, and society's, reality. And that can be disastrous in and of itself.

The sad reality, too, is there are no happy endings for these types of tragedies and those they affect no matter what society wants to believe. My family is no different in that regard. 

I've seen a whole bunch of social media network pages popping up over time for those affected by these types of tragedies. A very sad reality is there are folks still requiring the benefits of professional therapy and support groups as a result of their experiences. The silver lining in all of this might be that these individuals now also have others to talk to whom they can commiserate with and lean on in a virtual world where they don't have to worry about what anyone else might think or say about their depression, their anxiety, their fear, their frustration, their ongoing PTSD simply because the vast majority of those who participate on these types of pages share a kind of bond...a bond no one chooses to forge except by common circumstances. It's all part and parcel of recovery, and it's something each of us has to go through in our own way in our own time. We can all try our very best to redefine what happiness means for us all, but the trauma of the event that affected us stays with us no matter what. We cannot change that - ever. Nor will the folks in any of a very long and ever growing list of communities affected by similar massacres be able to change their reality. 

Thus far in my blog, I haven't gone into the more specific and some might say sordid details of how the rift came about between my daughter and myself. I've always tried to take the high road in this regard. I'll continue trying to take that high road as much as I possibly can. But, in some respects, I feel like I've been ostracized by some folks based on what they've seen and read coming from my daughter. Some of those folks who've bought into what my daughter has put out there have gone through similar experiences to my own including some in the Columbine 'community'. I simply cannot understand where they're coming from. But, again, I digress.

There are a couple of things I'd ask them to try and understand. First, I've been accused of being a narcissist when it comes to my decisions on how to care for, and provide for, Anne Marie's short term and long term needs as a paraplegic. The only reason I bring this up here is because those who've chastised me, ridiculed me, and attacked me for decisions I made to care for Anne Marie have no knowledge of what it took for me to do so. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. I'm not looking for kudos. It truly isn't about me. Truth is, parents who care for and love their kids choose to do for those kids whatever they can to help ensure their kid's safety and wellbeing. That's what I tried to do. 

Second, it's frustrating on a personal level whenever someone suggests my course of action is nonsense. It isn't nonsense when you've lived with caring 24/7 for two people, Anne Marie and her Mother, both of whom could not care for themselves for as long as I did. For Anne Marie's Mother, it went back pre-Columbine with a very pervasive and incurable mental illness that damn near destroyed me because everything I tried to do to help her was to no avail. 

And, finally, when it comes to what I did for Anne Marie, I'd ask folks to understand exactly what that means.....that I'd helped her to the "best of her ability", not that I'd done as much as I could for her. For some, this might be a difficult concept to understand. It took me a very long time to come to this realization much less be able to accept it in our relationship with each other. It's a whole lot different than saying I've done all I can for Anne Marie. In other words, I didn't quit on her. Not before Columbine. Not after Columbine. Not before her Mother's suicide by gun. Not after her Mother's suicide by gun. Not EVER. I'd helped her to the best of HER ability, and she chose to estrange herself from her own family. She tells anyone who will listen that her family, specifically me, abandoned her. In one regard she's right. Her Mother abandoned her.....and the rest of us, when she took her own life. But the rest of her family did not abandon her. Nor would we. Choices have consequences. Her choices resulted in destructive behavior that I won't go into in detail. Suffice to say her choices came very close to destroying my extended family.

Perhaps, at some point down the road in this blog, I'll be ready, able, and more willing to talk about what really happened in the rift between father and daughter, but that time isn't now.

My blog isn't about Anne Marie. Rather, it's about a healing journey....my, and my family's, healing journey. At times, this healing journey will also be about those closest to me and how they still struggle with everything Columbine. And still other times, it will address what each and every one of us might be able to do to help provide safer schools for our children by getting involved, by staying involved, and by educating ourselves in this process....taking on a cause can help in the healing process that each of us goes through. 

Yes, my daughter is alive today, thanks to not only her own herculean efforts to survive, but thanks as well to a virtual army (not in the military sense) of family, friends, community, doctors, nurses, paramedics, and so many more. The problem is I can't just "go get her now" as she has chosen a path that does not include me or my side of her own family. I struggle with the fact we haven't spoken to each other since late 2009. It hasn't been by my choice that this is so. It is hers and hers alone. I'd ask folks to try to understand that sometimes things just aren't as simple or straightforward as they might seem.

The best possible advice I can give to anyone struggling to deal with similar types of family discord is this:

Thanks for listening.

My two cents.....

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