RIP Anne Marie

 

Anne Marie Hochhalter

Born December 19, 1981

Died February 16, 2025

Hero

Courageous

Fighter

Fiercely Independent

Survivor

Advocate

Victim

Following her death on February 16, 2025, all of the above adjectives have been used to describe who my daughter, Anne Marie Hochhalter, was. Thing is, I never saw her as such. I saw her as my daughter, my first-born child. She will always remain so. Please don't get me wrong. I do believe some of those accolades listed above must have, in fact, applied to Anne Marie. Otherwise, so many people would not be using them to describe their own knowledge of who she was. I just never got to see them or experience them with her as they applied to her at least from December 2009 until her death. I wasn't allowed to (more on that later). There were snippets here and there in media stories, but that was all I got to experience of her activities. But I digress.

As most folks already know, Anne Marie was critically injured during the Columbine massacre. She was given a less than 25% chance of surviving her injuries by medical professionals who treated her following the Columbine massacre. That she did survive is a miracle in and of itself. That she lived for almost 26 years after that horrific tragedy on April 20, 1999, especially given the extent of her injuries and the damage caused to her internal organs ("The AR isn't some magical weapon"...Well, DUH!!), is a testament to many things, not the least of which was her own determination to defy those odds and live her life the way she chose to live it. To clarify, when I wrote the blog post about AR's not being some magical weapon, I wrote it as a comparison between what an AR-15 might have done to Anne Marie vs what the weapon used against her, a Hi-Point 995 9mm semi-automatic carbine rifle, actually did to her. To do so, I had to detail many of her internal injuries. They were grievous, but they didn't kill her as I believe high velocity rounds from an AR-15 likely would have.

Some are now casting her as the 14th victim of the Columbine massacre. I believe that claim may have a modicum of validity only if one strives to connect all the dots and if that's what one is actively trying to do. Even the Jefferson County Coroner had to stretch their efforts to support getting her death to a "homicide" in their report. According to them, her death was caused by sepsis that they related to her injuries sustained during the Columbine massacre, and that "the manner of death is best classified as homicide". In other words, they had to jump through some serious hoops to connect the dots in order to come up with their opinion/conclusion that the "manner" of her death was homicide:

For me, personally, Anne Marie was a survivor of the Columbine massacre. Period. She did not die on April 20, 1999. She survived until her death at the age of 43 from sepsis which was a complication of pressure sores which were caused by paraplegia which was caused by being shot and critically injured during the Columbine massacre. Again, she did not die on April 20, 1999. She survived. There's a huge difference. Let the "beloved thirteen" who died that day have their due respect. Commemorate Anne Marie's life if you want to, but do so as her being a survivor of Columbine, not a victim.

I could spend this entire blog post touting a life well lived by Anne Marie. I could spend it praising her courage in overcoming obstacles that no one should have to be confronted with. That Anne Marie overcame formidable obstacles in her life after the Columbine massacre isn't in doubt. She did. She was determined. She was actually quite formidable in her own right in those efforts, just not necessarily always in the way so many people perceive. 

Anne Marie was my daughter, my first-born child, so, I'm going to talk a little bit about her life from my own perspective as I knew it and our relationship as I experienced it. I'll also touch a little bit on a few of the difficulties life threw at her family following the Columbine massacre. Yes, her family was affected, too, in ways only those who've been forced by circumstances similar to ours will, or can, understand. In retrospect, I can't honestly say I believe Anne Marie ever truly and clearly understood or accepted that fact.

In April 2022, I wrote about a rift that developed between Anne Marie and me: Dredging Up The Past To Better Understand Where We Are Now. My family's dysfunction prior to the Columbine massacre isn't something a lot of people are even aware of. It isn't something I've talked about a lot. I did write a blog post about the mental illness of my first wife, Carla (How Can People With Suicidal/Homicidal Ideation Be Helped?). I also wrote about Carla's suicide by gun in the context of gun violence prevention and suicide prevention (Is Suicide by Gun Actually Gun Violence?). But I didn't go into much detail on how mental illness affected all of us especially after Carla's suicide by gun, e.g.: clinical depression, clinically diagnosed PTSD, anger, abandonment issues, etc. etc. In other words, virtually all things associated with the trauma of the Columbine massacre experienced by my family along with the suicide of a loved one added into that cauldron of chaos. No one was immune, not me, not Anne Marie, not my son Nathan who was also a Columbine survivor. Not one of us. We presented a public persona we believed everyone wanted to see. We each compartmentalized our own trauma. Behind the scenes, though? An entirely different reality. 

In the years leading up to December 2009 the relationship between Anne Marie and me gradually deteriorated to a point where communication was minimal and tensions were significant. During the time between April 20, 1999 and December 2009, I watched as Anne Marie took a path I didn't believe was in her own best interests physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even socially. Every therapist and medical professional involved in her recovery and rehab efforts told her she needed to do things she likely wouldn't want to do to stay healthy. They strongly counseled me to encourage her to do the things they were making her do to keep herself healthy and fit. She fought me pretty much every step of the way whenever I tried to encourage her as her therapists said I should. Her begrudging participation was always on a level of having to do it rather than wanting to do it with the exception where she could passively participate. Those were easy for her and demanded nothing, really, from her.

Every book I ever read on paraplegia, every bit of research I found on paraplegia, all the resources I had access to all said pretty much the same thing: "expect resistance, expect reluctance, expect downright refusal, expect temper tantrums, expect anger, expect tears, expect frustration, expect depression". I just didn't expect the level and intensity of those things that came out of Anne Marie. Many of Anne Marie's therapists even told me that I would have to push her very hard to do what she needed to do to keep herself as healthy as possible, especially given the fact paraplegia could, and would, cause serious health issues if the patient didn't take proactive ongoing measures to prevent those health issues from happening. They also told me, and this is something I, and others, actually observed, Anne Marie had muscle movement in every muscle group below her waist. I knew her injury was what the medical profession labeled an "incomplete spinal injury", and that she could actually move her lower extremities in limited movements. Her therapists told me she needed to focus on intense physical and neuromuscular therapy in order to hopefully be able to walk again some day (think Christopher Reeve on the order of his therapy regimen before he passed away). Add to that the fact Anne Marie's physical condition had already been compromised by her injuries suffered during the Columbine massacre, and I took all of that to mean she faced a perfect storm if I didn't keep after her to do what she needed to do. 

When Anne Marie became a legal adult, I simply had to back off pushing her as hard as I did when she was still in my care and under my guardianship. I never stopped trying to encourage her to do what she needed to do to keep herself healthy and fit, though. It just wasn't as intense as it was when she was still in my care and under my guardianship. Could I have approached doing those things more 'softly'? Maybe, but I did what I did with purity of intent with her best interests at heart. For that, I will never apologize. In December, 2009, Anne Marie estranged herself from my side of her family. So, any involvement I might have had in her ongoing therapy from that point forward stopped cold. From then on, she was on her own by her own choice.

After December 2009, Anne Marie made no secret how she felt about me and about my side of her family. One example of many is when, in a media interview, Anne Marie lamented the fact I'd moved our family to Bailey, a small town located in the mountains not too far from Littleton. She mentioned it was the darkest time of her life and that she'd contemplated suicide. What she didn't acknowledge and  refused to accept was I moved the family in order to force us to do for ourselves what so many were still doing for us while living in Littleton. Without realizing it, the Columbine community, through their kindness and compassion, had become enablers. Without realizing it, my family had become takers. When that fact finally dawned on me, I became very uncomfortable with it. Moving to Bailey literally forced all of us to work harder (Don't Make It Too Easy....) to move forward and survive. 

The move to Bailey didn't eliminate our necessities or deny access to them. It just forced us to do for ourselves what so many kind folks had been doing for us. It literally forced us to move forward with our survival and healing. Anne Marie didn't see it that way. Would she have taken her own life as she threatened to do? Well, obviously she did not, so the question is moot. Why she brought it up in interviews is known only to her, and now she's gone. 

Anne Marie did begin driving after having left a specially equipped vehicle sitting in the driveway for nine months before finally getting behind the wheel, starting the engine, and driving away. Prior to that, she relied on me, certain individuals, and some specific organizations to get her where she needed to go. I didn't have to travel to pick her up because I lived with her. Those who tried to get her where she needed to go had to travel from the Metro area to Bailey in order to do so.

I finally told Anne Marie I couldn't be at her beck and call any longer. My own life dictated other responsibilities besides being her caregiver 24/7. Nathan was one of those. My job was another. I told her she was going to have to start taking more responsibility to do things for herself that I'd been doing for her. She didn't take that very well.

When the individuals and organizations who were ferrying her about essentially got tired of doing so, she realized she was going to have to overcome her fears and get behind the wheel of her truck and drive herself. After that, the world was kind of her oyster, to coin a phrase, and she took full advantage of her new found freedom. 

Anne Marie had already gone through driver training and got her drivers license while at Craig Hospital during rehab. So, it wasn't like she couldn't drive herself anywhere. She simply wouldn't as long as others were willing to get her where she needed to go. When others could not, or were not, going to be able to do that any longer is when she finally put that training to use. She looked for, and found, a townhome in Westminster that she eventually moved into and lived in on her own. She got a job. She got a degree. In other words, she became that "fiercely independent" person the adjective above describes. 

But, to say I was aghast at what she sometimes said about us in public would be an understatement. And therein are a few conundrums I continue to face:

• Should I write about Anne Marie? Should I not write about Anne Marie? Am I allowed to write about her. Some would say no. Some have, in fact, said no.
• Should I grieve? Am I allowed to grieve? Some would say I'm not entitled. Some have, in fact, said I'm not entitled.
• Should I feel as conflicted about her life and death as I do? After all, she was my daughter, my first-born child. Some would say I'm not entitled. Some have, in fact, said I'm not entitled.
• Am I allowed to feel my own feelings, to stand in my own truth, to know in my heart of hearts I did the best I could under some extreme circumstances? Some would say no. Some have, in fact, said no.
• Am I allowed to feel anger? Bitterness? Resentment? Disgust? Especially toward certain individuals and specific organizations who inserted themselves into a very traumatized family with no regard as to how their interference was tearing that traumatized family apart. Some would say no. Some have, in fact, told me no.
• Should I feel love for Anne Marie? Some would say I'm not entitled. Some have, in fact, said I'm not entitled.

These are conundrums I've had to deal with for a number of years now. With her death on February 16, 2025 I still wonder if what I say and write about is actually something I should say and/or write about. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario (if you know, you know). The pushback I've gotten from some folks has been intense and unforgiving. Some of it has been downright cruel. It's been very difficult, to say the least. 

For those who may be wondering about the conundrum I listed above in which I asked whether or not I should be allowed to feel anger, resentment, bitterness, or disgust toward certain individuals and specific organizations who inserted themselves into a very traumatized family still struggling to stay afloat while also struggling with the aftermath of the Columbine massacre and its effect on all of us, I now believe I trusted them way too much. That's just something that's inherent in my nature.....I trust people to do the right thing. I still do, but, in this instance, I got burned.....really bad. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I was incredibly naive especially regarding their motives. If they would have stuck to just giving her rides where she needed to go, my feelings would be entirely different. My gratitude would have been unending. That isn't what happened, though. To be clear, Anne Marie was a willing participant, and I believe a sometimes instigator, in what was going on. In fact, over time Anne Marie went so far as to choose them over her own family. The details of how and why this happened will stay with me, but those who know know. Because I'm human, the anger, resentment, bitterness, and, yes, even the disgust I feel toward those certain individuals and those specific organizations are very real. I will likely never forgive them for what they did to my family. And I'll leave it at that.

My reality is Anne Marie was almost taken from me on April 20, 1999. Then, in December, 2009, I did lose her when she estranged herself from my side of her family, the details of which I will NOT discuss here or anywhere else from this point forward. It doesn't matter to me any longer that those who know a few of the details of this estrangement think they know everything. They really don't know shit about the FULL details of it other than what Anne Marie shared with them, and I'm leaving it at that.

There was no contact between Anne Marie and me from December 2009 forward. That was by her choice and was made very clear to me when I was told that "it would be best" if I did not try to contact her. I believe that's the point at which I knew in my heart  there would likely never be any reconciliation between us or resolution of our differences. The metaphorical 'death' of our relationship was exacerbated for me by virtue of the fact both of us were still alive. I never imagined that she would precede me in death, especially after what she'd had to go through to recover from injuries many medical professionals didn't believe she had a chance of surviving in the first place. I still have difficulty wrapping my head around the fact she's gone even now. So, on February 16, 2025, her death made 'losing her' very real and very final. It shouldn't be this way. It didn't have to end the way it did, but it did. My reality is there can now be no resolution to the deep rift that developed between us.

My daughter, my first-born child, has died. All I can do with that is hope she's now at peace. She fought a valiant, but very steep and ongoing uphill battle as a result of what happened to her at Columbine High School. She earned, and deserves, eternal peace. As for me, my personal healing journey continues.

RIP Anne Marie.

Love,

Dad

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